Thanks! :)

Well, after yesterday release out everything through my tears, I felt much better. Although things keep bugging me and it's like getting more and more. But it's alright! I will figure out the way to solve it, which I always do.

I'm so touched that everyone of you so concern about my situation. I'm so sorry to u guys if ever I hurt u or yesterday's post did turn u off. That's of cuz not my purpose. But I need a place to dump all my rubbish. So sorry if i did hurt any of u or make u unhappy!

I know depression is scary, and the most scary thing is that now the feeling that i experienced before during my sec school seems like coming back to find me.. that's really very scary. I dun wan to recall those days. But this kind of feeling really makes me feel like crying for no reason. I'm so scared to go back to those days. Monkey said I need to come out from this. Of cuz I know, but I'm still trying hard. I'm trying to do something would make me happy. I'm watching my TVXQ performing, and this seems to work a bit. I'm still figuring what else can really make me happy.

Today I went out to compass point, wanting to walk out a while, and also help my dad look for his tennis shoes. While waiting for bus, I was listening to TVXQ's Don't say goodbye. I was sitting at the bus stop, alone. The wind blew through my face, and suddenly this scary feeling attack me. I felt like crying there, but thank god I din in the end. (Walao! If not damn paiseh la!) I still remember there was once, i was crying on the bus. The uncle who was going to alight still staring at me. But I totally dun care already. I really felt so helpless at that time. But I tell myself, this is not going to work to fight back this kind of feeling. Go and do something. So, I went to popular, wanting to buy some books to read in order to get rid of that scary feeling. I finally bought Dave Pelzer's A man who called Dave. (Err.. Seems like won't help hor.. Might cry even worse wor.. haha..) It's time to read more books, clear my thoughts. I need to change, a change to be a better hee-haw. although I dunno how, but i know this take times. No one is perfect in this world. Everyone facing different kind of stress too. Just that we need to find a way to release out otherwise would ends up depression. I'm thankful to the person who ask my mum to learn old folks dance. If not she might already commit suicide.

I know I need to just dun bother about the family matters, but u see, I can't. I can't see my ah mah keep worrying everyday and keep on sighing. I can't just dun bother what my mum complain bout my father, cuz they are my parents! Everytime her words just like different kind of knife stabbing my heart. And my father's behaviour makes me worried everyday. Although he started to talk to my mum, but everytime he talks I'm damn nervous and worried. I worried he would scold my mum. I dunno how many times, I did covered for my mum. Like those little things la. But I'm really scared that they two scolding each other. I just can't dun bother them. So I try to find something to do at home like cleaning my house to reduce my mum's burden. Sigh~ Really dunno what else can i do already..

And now I need to consider where to continue study. I dunno whether NTU wan to accept me. the sch fees is like 9000+ a year. Where to find man! And I need a brain scan. I need to do it in Malaysia, cuz my cousin said non-singaporean even more expensive. So he suggested me to go for brain scan in Malaysia and consult doctor here. I need to plan which day which my mum is free to bring me. I'm sorry mummy. I can't go alone for this. Cuz I'm scared. :( I'm such a coward.

Now, I think I m reformating myself, mentally. That hoho so funny, ask me go to look for norton! haha! His description not bad, got imagination. I think I just need some times to 沉淀. I think for whole day, maybe I was too rely on four of u. I'm scared to lose one of u. It's time to be independant. But I just felt that recently, cuz of FYP, we all seems to have very little time get together. Even some gathering we can get together, but always not five of us. We r going to graduate soon. After graduate we would be busy for different things and of cuz would see each other even lesser than now. Maybe I'm too rely on friendship. Really! Hee-haw, it's time to be independent! Stand on ur own feet.

Dun worry for me, my friends. I'm glad that I have u guys as my true friends! At least u guys do trying to help me out from all these negative emotion. I will be fine. At least in front of u, I won't allow myself to show that I'm not happy. I will try to destress and look for things which makes me happy! Yes! Christmas! I should enjoy till the max before I face my brain scan and the dead project. Nothing will happen to me, I m sure. Maybe just take some medicine la. haha.. Ok, should sleep now. Tmr is going to be a brand new day for me! Although it takes time to get rid of this kind of feeling, but no worries! I can cope! Cuz I'm the HEE-HAW that u all used to know! :) Thanks so much anyway~ :)