Heartaching...

Yes! Right now my heart is aching. I am sad right now. Really sad. Of cuz it's something to do with my family again. I wonder why i couldn't have a happy family.

Last three weeks, I was in Malaysia. As a maid at home. Well, all these years, since my parents start the war, I did a lot of things to prevent the fight. My mum is a very forgetful person. She always forget what she bought and leave it there till that things expired or rotten. And my father is a very neat person. He cannot stand of all these things. My mum and sis are kind of messy too. Their rooms and belongings, sigh, even me also mou ngan tai! And my dad is very good at picking out all these flaws!! He dun like messy dirty house. He dun like the slippers anyhow place at the doorstep. He dun like junk food at home. He dun like my mum's car, cuz it's always messy and with lot's of bird droppings. And my mum got no time to wash the car, so forgetful to throw away her tissue. There's a lot more. But all these years, since the war started, I did tons of thing just try to prevent the fight. I know what my father dun like, so all these years, I put in so many effort just try to make him satisfied. Till now, i dunno how many hei guo i help my mum and sis to bear. Even till now, I m still doing it. I just hope they can stop fighting. Everytime they talking to each other, i m nervous, that's very pathetic right. I just scared my dad would provoke my mum and again i will be the victim. Cuz my mum would start to complaint to me. That's my family.

Recently, I m more disappointed with my parents. No matter how hard i try, they just can't see me. My dad feels sorry to my brother and sis for keep on borrowing money to my cousin. But when i approached him and told him i got accepted by RMIT, he just asked me, what course is that, and only look at the cover of the brochure, and look back to his computer. He dun even have the thoughts of let me continue my study. It's just all my fat hope thought that he would wan me to continue. He said if i take his remisier license, then dun need all that. Ok, but why u din even think of at least let me finish a degree. Ok, that's fine. I can earn my own money, go and study part time course. Cuz all his money belongs to my cousin. Not mine. I dun wan to take either. And my father very bad habit, he likes to go travel without telling anyone at home. My father going to travel, i knew it from my aunt. Funny rite? and if my aunt not telling us, so i suppose my dad missing somewhere else is it? He only said he will be back on which day but dun even tell u where he go. And the most recent one, he just came back from thailand not long ago. Now he is going to China. Ok, then i ask my aunt when, she said 11 aug to 17 aug. That's GREAT MAN!! He dun even wan to stay for his daughter 21st birthday. What i wan is really not that much. Just whole family have a dinner together, then have a cake. Even after that he is going out as usual, i dun mind too. But now he dun even wan to stay. Yes, it's funny and kind of pathetic. The guy whose birthday exactly same as me, his father going to held a party for him. That's sound so sarcastic to me. I m totally give up all my hope on my dad. He is not my father i used to have. I only do whatever he likes. Din even care what will end up to me. (be my mum 出气筒)

And my mum, was very angry with my dad. First, just go travel anywhere he wants, and leave her work hard for him. Second, work so hard all money goes to my cousin pocket. And of course, what do u think i will end up? My mum din talk to me for two days. As if I persuade my dad to do so. Sometimes i wonder why she dislike me so much, is it i look like my dad? Whatever i complaint to her, especially about my sis, she pretend never hear anything. Even i complaint something else, she dun have any response too. I m so so so sad and disappointed. Well, did i do anything wrong? Why i always go back to my hometown? Cuz I wan to go home be the middle man, to prevent their fight, to prevent they divorce. But now all seems so so useless. And I highly suspect my dad kept a mistress. I peep at his msg although i know it's not good to do tat. I m TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED to the man in my house i call him DAD. If this is a truth, I will have no respect at all to him! He can't blame me for that, cuz it's him to turn me like this. He seriously dunno how many litres of tears I dropped just because of him!

I always envy those people who have a happy family. Why I couldn't have one? I m so so so stress especially these few months. Just over all these family matters.

And another thing hurt my heart, TVXQ probably gonna disband. Although I strongly believe they won't, but still, I'm scared. It's their music and videos occupied me so tat i dun need to think much about my family. It's them who brighten my days, so i can't imagine if they really disband, how sad i will be. I m sure i will cry in front of the monitor. Cuz it's like my BEST "accompany" gonna leave me. If not them occupied my times, i might already fell into depression. That's also the reason i love to collect CDs. Cuz during the most depressing period i experienced before, I depend to them, CDs. Just look at them i feel happy enough.

My heart is aching, non-stop. I can't control my tears. They keep falling down from my eyes. I dunno when are they going to stop. Probably this would be another depressing period. Birthday, I used to look forward to, but this year, I m gonna be even more sad than any other day. 21st birthday, where is my father? Does he remember that? Or he dun even know, i m 21st this year and when is my birthday? That's the more persuasive answer. And i m this guy's daughter... unfortunately.

I wonder how my father would react if he happen to see this post. It's the same thought. I wonder what if one day i die in an accident, how would he feel or react? Dun worry ppl, I m not gg to die. It's just tat something i wish to know.

Thanks dewy for always by my side comfort me! Thanks to my sisters too! I know u guys always by my side too. If weren't you guys, I might not be that strong. But i'm really sorry, i can't control my heart to ache. I might be depress recently just bear with me ok. Trust me it's not easy to be optimistic.