Memories

I m so in the mood to write blog. But I realise this August is kind of sad for me. All my posts were totally negative. I can't find more than 10 "haha" in my posts. But I'm sorry to disappoint u guys that this might be another negative post.

Yesterday while I was writing the previous post, I was calm, or should I say I m more angry than sad. So I was not crying. But when I saw what Le xin commented, saying her tears dropped when she read my blog. That moment, I really wanted to cry. Cuz I know there always my best frens support around me. Although I like to keep my problem, although I dun like to show my sad face, but I know, no matter how, U guys still by my side supporting me. I felt happy. To have true frens around me.

Just now I was reading what I wrote yesterday. Reminds me to take a look at the father I love the most in the past. Our family dun take a lot of photos, as in Family Photo. I am always so desperate to have one. And there's one, with my grandma, my caring dad, lovely mum, beloved brother and sister and myself. If I'm not wrong, this was taken after my brother's farewell dinner. He was going to study in Australia. Our very first study oversea brother among three families. (Oliver family, Lee family & Tay family) I looked at the photo, as if I have found my own father, the previous one. His look, his sight, his appearance, were so familiar to me that i miss them so much. And then I looked at my brother. I seriously din realise that I miss my brother that much. Once again, I cried. This time I was weeping. then only I realised I was that sad, I was that desperate for a happy family that i used to have.

I was listening to my three favourite korean sad songs. I always do this when I'm sad. I like to listen to them, and cry outloud, cuz i believe after that, I will feel better. I dun get bored of three of them. I can listen to them for thousand times, just keep repeating. I m probably mad or what. then I sat on the floor against the wall, closed my eyes, start to recall my memories of my once happy family. I recalled back how my house looked like before the renovation. I recalled our laughter in the house. I recalled back how my father drag me to my room and force me to sleep. I recalled back how my brother try to trick me to eat carrot. I recalled back the very unfamiliar scene that my mum was telling some jokes to my dad and we all laugh. I recalled back I was on my parents bed, listen to my dad's fart and how I laughed like mad and he faster ran to the toilet. It's supposed to be a funny memory but why m i sitting on this cold floor crying so sad that i can feel my heartache. I really dun feel like open my eyes. I wish I can just turn back the time, all these it's just a nightmare to me. But when I open my eyes, it's the same cold house. I m stil sitting alone, listening to my favourite korean sad songs. Nothing had changed.

Then i decided to flip back my past diaries. I want to see what did I write. Although not much posts, but all are about the sad memories i had. Oh yes, now only i remember. i only write diary when i m sad. Cuz i have no one to talk to. i can only write. and i know at that time, I do hope my parents would knwo how I feel. To my horror, almost every post, I was hoping to die at the moment. i dunno I was that miserable at that time. But not really wan to die, cuz i still have may things not done yet. I end every post with saying goodbye with my parents, asking them to take care. Yes, the memories are back. the darkest period of my life. Or I should say just dark period cuz probably now is darkest just that the difference is that now I have someone to talk to, that time i really dun have anyone.

After flipping thru all the entries, I realised how i envy my sis so much. How my mum din change from that time till now. Still love my sis. I get scold quite often. Even when i was sad for my result, even when my mum forgot to fetch me, even when my body cause them so many trouble and so on. I realised i complaint mostly about my mum. Recording what she said to me about my dad and her words that stung me till now. I mostly wrote that my father doesn't care at all. So, i wrote very little about him. Only one lousy english entry, trying to persuade him to change his attitude, complaining how he treated the maid better than treated us. All the memories flow in. I remember every single scene I wrote. i remember my mum face when she said those hurting words. I remember how others like my sis than me. And to my surprise, over almost 6 years, things doesn't change much and seems like getting worse. My mum still love my sis more. my brother i think needless to say ok! My father, even worse. 2003 my mum told me there's a woman keep calling his hp. Wah! 6 years. I din know he is so good at keeping secret. Of cuz my mum got no evident. She just think there's someone out there. over so many years, he is worse. so all these years I suffered so much just because of that bloody bitchy slut out there?

Now only I know, my father already left me for so many years. even before I graduated from primary school. How can he just left like that? I dun even have time to say goodbye to him. I dun even have time to tell him, I love him a lot. How can he just left like that? I have been an idiots for so many years, still hoping he will come back. But WHY he dun tell me he is going to leave and another stranger going to replace him? suddenly, i m scared. I had live with a stranger who I tot is my father for so so long time. Trying to put up with him, trying to drag him back. Like what I wrote in my diary, I need to beg to the god that hoping there's no fight between my parents. Even till now, I'm still begging. I felt tat I m very pathetic. Since I were a kid, nobody likes me. till now, still the same. Oh probably slightly better now. Cuz i have u guys by my side. Now only i know why I m so lucky to meet u guys. Probably my wai po saw me so she leads me to u guys. that's the way i m trying to convince myself. Although i dun really think my wai po will remember me. But I feel better to think this way.

I need a break. I started to hate the house i called home. I dun have my own room. Everytime I come back, my only job is to keep the house clean. What did the house give me in return? Hurt, bad memories, sad. Yes, I think the wall in my house is the only one tat really understand me in this house. They saw me crying alone, weeping alone, get scold from my parents and so much more. But I m really scared now. I got NO HOME. Not any single place that I can feel safe and peaceful. I m homeless. I m scared to step into this house again. I dun wan to face my parents. I dun wan to face the stranger, I dun wan to hear my mum complaints. I HAVE ENOUGH OF THAT!! WOULD U GUYS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? I dun understand why my mum wants me back. But now I know, so that she can complain to me. So that i can keep the house. So thatshe can fight my dad with me but not alone although we both knows all these stupid actions are nothing to him. The house had changed. Probably prettier than last time, but what's the point while the people inside dun feel happy anymore? Sometimes I rather my dad din earn much money. Although i dunno how much he earned only till my cousin's incident then only i realise he WAS tat rich. Yea, only rich business man will attract sluts.

This is no longer my home. I hate this kind of feel. I got no place to go. I wan to fly off to Australia to look for my brother but I wonder he would like to see me. And WHERE TO FIND THE MONEY?! Singapore? NO! It's not ALONE!! I wan to go somewhere ALONE. that i dun need to see all these things. I wan to go somewhere I will feel peaceful, feel relax. But where? I have no idea. My eyes are aching. Probably too much water flow out just now. Sigh.... So these are my teenage memories? So this is the conclusion I get? Probably i was bad enough in my last life that I DESERVE all these now. Why is this tunnel so long? I walk for almost 10 years, but still haven't found the exit to get out. I wonder when can I find my exit... another 10 years? or never......