Merry Christmas everyone! :) Yes! Time really flies! Another 5 days to 2009! OMG! I really wish the time could slow down pls! It's like getting faster and faster! OMG! And my FYP~ SIGH~ Hopeless! OK! Let's talk about something happy and forget about the irritating FYP ok!
Today is christmas eve! Actually I really like christmas a lot! I like the atmosphere, and it's the season of thanking ppl around you for their help in that certain year and also sharing your happiness! It is a really beautiful day to me! I like to see everyone busy choosing present for each other, busy making cards and so on. I felt so warm! Everyone is caring each other and the feeling of wanting the people who receive your gift would love it!
This year, since it's our last year in TP, so I decided to gather all my besties - Sin Yee(The monkey), Le Xin(The quakie), Siew Yun(The Meowie) and Nadia(The Shocking beast a.k.a Princess according to herself!) Five of us would have a gathering, exchange gifts and enjoy a nice meal! And because of the changing gift session, yesterday I rushed back from Malaysia to buy gifts to exchange and also little gift for everyone! To my surprise, when I reached home, I saw present on my table! It's the christmas present from my sis! Yeah! It's a cute little Eeyore! Thanks jie jie! She even bought presents for all my besties and a box of Chocolate! OMG! They surely love her to death! Hahaha! Plus mine! Yes! They have a lot of gift! I'm sure they will be like happy like what! Hahaha! I was imagining everyone's facial expression while wrapping gifts for them! So happy and excited! Haha!
Few days ago I made a christmas card! So I printed it out as little cards and give it to all my besties! I also spend a night to type it and save it digitally, one by one send to my colleagues in Pagesetters! Everyone with different message! Wa! really spend a lot of time man! But in the end, very good! Everyone like my card! They all super duper happy! I'm glad to see that too! :)
Then this afternoon, I went to Ikea with all my besties to have our gathering! Yes! It was so happy! But too bad Cloudy and monkey need to go off earlier! But we did enjoyed ourself! We drew lots to see how to exchange the present! I got Quakie's present! It's a beautiful pencil case! Then cloudy got my recordable plush! (I bought one too as my sis christmas present too!) Haha! I recorded a Hahaha song (Korean song of cuz, but it's suppose to ask ppl no matter anything happen, just hahaha! I think it's meaningful that's y I recorded that! Haha!) Nady and monkey exchange their presents. It was really so joyful! I bought them their beloved daim chocolate! Haha! We all really had a very good time! The weather is like so cold! We imagined ourselves in some Europe countries! Wah! really super happy la~ We took a lot of photos and also attracted a lot of unwanted attention! Cuz who the hell will have their christmas celebration at NOON time man! Hahaha!
Now, I'm listening to lovely christmas song while writing this post! This is my habit! I like to play christmas songs every christmas! This is really a very enjoyable post!
Ok! Last but not least, all my dear frens! I'm sorry if I did hurt you or did something wrong, and I'm so thankful to you guys for always by my side sharing all my problems and helped me gone through lots of obstacles! It's been great to meet everyone! I'm really so lucky!!! Hahaha!!! Thanks so much all my dear frens! I hope every of us may have a wonderful christmas and also a happy coming 2009! Merry christmas!!!! Cheers! :)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thanks! :)
Well, after yesterday release out everything through my tears, I felt much better. Although things keep bugging me and it's like getting more and more. But it's alright! I will figure out the way to solve it, which I always do.
I'm so touched that everyone of you so concern about my situation. I'm so sorry to u guys if ever I hurt u or yesterday's post did turn u off. That's of cuz not my purpose. But I need a place to dump all my rubbish. So sorry if i did hurt any of u or make u unhappy!
I know depression is scary, and the most scary thing is that now the feeling that i experienced before during my sec school seems like coming back to find me.. that's really very scary. I dun wan to recall those days. But this kind of feeling really makes me feel like crying for no reason. I'm so scared to go back to those days. Monkey said I need to come out from this. Of cuz I know, but I'm still trying hard. I'm trying to do something would make me happy. I'm watching my TVXQ performing, and this seems to work a bit. I'm still figuring what else can really make me happy.
Today I went out to compass point, wanting to walk out a while, and also help my dad look for his tennis shoes. While waiting for bus, I was listening to TVXQ's Don't say goodbye. I was sitting at the bus stop, alone. The wind blew through my face, and suddenly this scary feeling attack me. I felt like crying there, but thank god I din in the end. (Walao! If not damn paiseh la!) I still remember there was once, i was crying on the bus. The uncle who was going to alight still staring at me. But I totally dun care already. I really felt so helpless at that time. But I tell myself, this is not going to work to fight back this kind of feeling. Go and do something. So, I went to popular, wanting to buy some books to read in order to get rid of that scary feeling. I finally bought Dave Pelzer's A man who called Dave. (Err.. Seems like won't help hor.. Might cry even worse wor.. haha..) It's time to read more books, clear my thoughts. I need to change, a change to be a better hee-haw. although I dunno how, but i know this take times. No one is perfect in this world. Everyone facing different kind of stress too. Just that we need to find a way to release out otherwise would ends up depression. I'm thankful to the person who ask my mum to learn old folks dance. If not she might already commit suicide.
I know I need to just dun bother about the family matters, but u see, I can't. I can't see my ah mah keep worrying everyday and keep on sighing. I can't just dun bother what my mum complain bout my father, cuz they are my parents! Everytime her words just like different kind of knife stabbing my heart. And my father's behaviour makes me worried everyday. Although he started to talk to my mum, but everytime he talks I'm damn nervous and worried. I worried he would scold my mum. I dunno how many times, I did covered for my mum. Like those little things la. But I'm really scared that they two scolding each other. I just can't dun bother them. So I try to find something to do at home like cleaning my house to reduce my mum's burden. Sigh~ Really dunno what else can i do already..
And now I need to consider where to continue study. I dunno whether NTU wan to accept me. the sch fees is like 9000+ a year. Where to find man! And I need a brain scan. I need to do it in Malaysia, cuz my cousin said non-singaporean even more expensive. So he suggested me to go for brain scan in Malaysia and consult doctor here. I need to plan which day which my mum is free to bring me. I'm sorry mummy. I can't go alone for this. Cuz I'm scared. :( I'm such a coward.
Now, I think I m reformating myself, mentally. That hoho so funny, ask me go to look for norton! haha! His description not bad, got imagination. I think I just need some times to 沉淀. I think for whole day, maybe I was too rely on four of u. I'm scared to lose one of u. It's time to be independant. But I just felt that recently, cuz of FYP, we all seems to have very little time get together. Even some gathering we can get together, but always not five of us. We r going to graduate soon. After graduate we would be busy for different things and of cuz would see each other even lesser than now. Maybe I'm too rely on friendship. Really! Hee-haw, it's time to be independent! Stand on ur own feet.
Dun worry for me, my friends. I'm glad that I have u guys as my true friends! At least u guys do trying to help me out from all these negative emotion. I will be fine. At least in front of u, I won't allow myself to show that I'm not happy. I will try to destress and look for things which makes me happy! Yes! Christmas! I should enjoy till the max before I face my brain scan and the dead project. Nothing will happen to me, I m sure. Maybe just take some medicine la. haha.. Ok, should sleep now. Tmr is going to be a brand new day for me! Although it takes time to get rid of this kind of feeling, but no worries! I can cope! Cuz I'm the HEE-HAW that u all used to know! :) Thanks so much anyway~ :)
I'm so touched that everyone of you so concern about my situation. I'm so sorry to u guys if ever I hurt u or yesterday's post did turn u off. That's of cuz not my purpose. But I need a place to dump all my rubbish. So sorry if i did hurt any of u or make u unhappy!
I know depression is scary, and the most scary thing is that now the feeling that i experienced before during my sec school seems like coming back to find me.. that's really very scary. I dun wan to recall those days. But this kind of feeling really makes me feel like crying for no reason. I'm so scared to go back to those days. Monkey said I need to come out from this. Of cuz I know, but I'm still trying hard. I'm trying to do something would make me happy. I'm watching my TVXQ performing, and this seems to work a bit. I'm still figuring what else can really make me happy.
Today I went out to compass point, wanting to walk out a while, and also help my dad look for his tennis shoes. While waiting for bus, I was listening to TVXQ's Don't say goodbye. I was sitting at the bus stop, alone. The wind blew through my face, and suddenly this scary feeling attack me. I felt like crying there, but thank god I din in the end. (Walao! If not damn paiseh la!) I still remember there was once, i was crying on the bus. The uncle who was going to alight still staring at me. But I totally dun care already. I really felt so helpless at that time. But I tell myself, this is not going to work to fight back this kind of feeling. Go and do something. So, I went to popular, wanting to buy some books to read in order to get rid of that scary feeling. I finally bought Dave Pelzer's A man who called Dave. (Err.. Seems like won't help hor.. Might cry even worse wor.. haha..) It's time to read more books, clear my thoughts. I need to change, a change to be a better hee-haw. although I dunno how, but i know this take times. No one is perfect in this world. Everyone facing different kind of stress too. Just that we need to find a way to release out otherwise would ends up depression. I'm thankful to the person who ask my mum to learn old folks dance. If not she might already commit suicide.
I know I need to just dun bother about the family matters, but u see, I can't. I can't see my ah mah keep worrying everyday and keep on sighing. I can't just dun bother what my mum complain bout my father, cuz they are my parents! Everytime her words just like different kind of knife stabbing my heart. And my father's behaviour makes me worried everyday. Although he started to talk to my mum, but everytime he talks I'm damn nervous and worried. I worried he would scold my mum. I dunno how many times, I did covered for my mum. Like those little things la. But I'm really scared that they two scolding each other. I just can't dun bother them. So I try to find something to do at home like cleaning my house to reduce my mum's burden. Sigh~ Really dunno what else can i do already..
And now I need to consider where to continue study. I dunno whether NTU wan to accept me. the sch fees is like 9000+ a year. Where to find man! And I need a brain scan. I need to do it in Malaysia, cuz my cousin said non-singaporean even more expensive. So he suggested me to go for brain scan in Malaysia and consult doctor here. I need to plan which day which my mum is free to bring me. I'm sorry mummy. I can't go alone for this. Cuz I'm scared. :( I'm such a coward.
Now, I think I m reformating myself, mentally. That hoho so funny, ask me go to look for norton! haha! His description not bad, got imagination. I think I just need some times to 沉淀. I think for whole day, maybe I was too rely on four of u. I'm scared to lose one of u. It's time to be independant. But I just felt that recently, cuz of FYP, we all seems to have very little time get together. Even some gathering we can get together, but always not five of us. We r going to graduate soon. After graduate we would be busy for different things and of cuz would see each other even lesser than now. Maybe I'm too rely on friendship. Really! Hee-haw, it's time to be independent! Stand on ur own feet.
Dun worry for me, my friends. I'm glad that I have u guys as my true friends! At least u guys do trying to help me out from all these negative emotion. I will be fine. At least in front of u, I won't allow myself to show that I'm not happy. I will try to destress and look for things which makes me happy! Yes! Christmas! I should enjoy till the max before I face my brain scan and the dead project. Nothing will happen to me, I m sure. Maybe just take some medicine la. haha.. Ok, should sleep now. Tmr is going to be a brand new day for me! Although it takes time to get rid of this kind of feeling, but no worries! I can cope! Cuz I'm the HEE-HAW that u all used to know! :) Thanks so much anyway~ :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Tearing.. T.T
Ok! Just like the title! I'm tearing like nobody business right now. I hate myself! Why I always said the wrong thing!
I just did a stupid thing. Well it's not so stupid actually! Cuz I felt sorry at the same time also damn angry. I told one of my best friend - quakie, dun always say she is depress cuz we are depress too! Just tat we dun tell cuz dun wan to add stress to other ppl! Probably the last sentence is wrong. Ppl got no time to bother bout u actually. I said that cuz I hope she knows that dun keep saying u r depress. Cuz it doesn't help and in fact it affects ur mood to do ur work. Perhaps I dun understand what kind of drawing that u really wan to achieve, perhaps i dun understand ur project at all. But what I know is that, I'm hurt! I'm hurt to see u misinterpret my sentence and post it on ur blog like yes! It's all my fault to make other ppl stress! I dun mean that way! I dun feel good either. I just wan u to know that depress won't help. Now u should TRY to get out of depress! And now u feel depress doens't mean that u got depression.
When i see the sentence in her blog saying what i told her, it hurt me. Deeply. I felt like i got stab by my best fren. I TOT we are best fren and u would understand what m I saying? I TOT u will know that what I m saying is not to stress u!
Perhaps I'm too busybody. Perhaps I m a retard. I m hurt cuz I said that just that I hope u dun end up to depression. Depression is horrible. I saw the live example on my mum. And I know how she feels! I dun wan to see u get into depression. Everytime u told me u r depress, I'm scared. Really really scared and worried that u might just commit suicide. I'm scared to lost a best fren like u. That's y i can give up anything on my hands just to persuade u. But I'm fed up. I get a big stab everytime. U would just telling me, i dun understand, I can't help. I feel like a retard. I talked so much trying to make u think more positive way. I'm wrong! Totally wrong! I'm too naive! Ok, from now on, I should just do my own part. I shouldn't be such a busybody, thinking way to help u. It's ur project, and yes! Perhaps like what u said! I dun understand at all. I dun understand what u actually wan. I'm sorry for that ok!
My heart is bleeding and tearing at the same time. Cuz I hurt my best fren and at the same time I got hurt by my best fren. I can't say who's fault is it now. What I know is that I'm tearing like hell cuz I'm sad. All my words turns into a knife, killing my fren and myself. I learned the lesson. I won't be such a busybody anymore. Let me cool down..
This is really a great test from god. I have to face everything at the same time. My brain scan + my family matters + my parents + FYP + this! Just when I tot my parents are normal, they gave me a big slap on my face(as in not physically la)! Again, I'm wrong, i m the naive one who tot they will get together like before. And just when I tot my back problem is gg to solve, the doctor told me it's brain. I know nothing will happen but why! TAY KHAI XIN! Can u stop creating troubles! Health problem, family problem, and now friendship problem. Good enough as a test! Yes! that's what I'm facing. I'm scared to fail FYP too. I dun wan to use my parents and siblings money. I felt guilty. This is the greatest stress I ever had. At least till now. But it's ok. I will pull through this, just that I need some times.
I should give myself a big slap for anything I did wrongly. Wah! Then I dunno how many slaps should I get. What if I din say something wrong? What if I din fell down from steps? What if I din go for injection? What if I din come to this world?(No, I will regret! I can't enjoy my favourite music le!) But it's no point to say this cuz what had happened already happened. Alrite! Just try to solve it. Give myself sometimes, bit by bit, solves all these. Everythings would be fine. Soon. I believe... :(
I just did a stupid thing. Well it's not so stupid actually! Cuz I felt sorry at the same time also damn angry. I told one of my best friend - quakie, dun always say she is depress cuz we are depress too! Just tat we dun tell cuz dun wan to add stress to other ppl! Probably the last sentence is wrong. Ppl got no time to bother bout u actually. I said that cuz I hope she knows that dun keep saying u r depress. Cuz it doesn't help and in fact it affects ur mood to do ur work. Perhaps I dun understand what kind of drawing that u really wan to achieve, perhaps i dun understand ur project at all. But what I know is that, I'm hurt! I'm hurt to see u misinterpret my sentence and post it on ur blog like yes! It's all my fault to make other ppl stress! I dun mean that way! I dun feel good either. I just wan u to know that depress won't help. Now u should TRY to get out of depress! And now u feel depress doens't mean that u got depression.
When i see the sentence in her blog saying what i told her, it hurt me. Deeply. I felt like i got stab by my best fren. I TOT we are best fren and u would understand what m I saying? I TOT u will know that what I m saying is not to stress u!
Perhaps I'm too busybody. Perhaps I m a retard. I m hurt cuz I said that just that I hope u dun end up to depression. Depression is horrible. I saw the live example on my mum. And I know how she feels! I dun wan to see u get into depression. Everytime u told me u r depress, I'm scared. Really really scared and worried that u might just commit suicide. I'm scared to lost a best fren like u. That's y i can give up anything on my hands just to persuade u. But I'm fed up. I get a big stab everytime. U would just telling me, i dun understand, I can't help. I feel like a retard. I talked so much trying to make u think more positive way. I'm wrong! Totally wrong! I'm too naive! Ok, from now on, I should just do my own part. I shouldn't be such a busybody, thinking way to help u. It's ur project, and yes! Perhaps like what u said! I dun understand at all. I dun understand what u actually wan. I'm sorry for that ok!
My heart is bleeding and tearing at the same time. Cuz I hurt my best fren and at the same time I got hurt by my best fren. I can't say who's fault is it now. What I know is that I'm tearing like hell cuz I'm sad. All my words turns into a knife, killing my fren and myself. I learned the lesson. I won't be such a busybody anymore. Let me cool down..
This is really a great test from god. I have to face everything at the same time. My brain scan + my family matters + my parents + FYP + this! Just when I tot my parents are normal, they gave me a big slap on my face(as in not physically la)! Again, I'm wrong, i m the naive one who tot they will get together like before. And just when I tot my back problem is gg to solve, the doctor told me it's brain. I know nothing will happen but why! TAY KHAI XIN! Can u stop creating troubles! Health problem, family problem, and now friendship problem. Good enough as a test! Yes! that's what I'm facing. I'm scared to fail FYP too. I dun wan to use my parents and siblings money. I felt guilty. This is the greatest stress I ever had. At least till now. But it's ok. I will pull through this, just that I need some times.
I should give myself a big slap for anything I did wrongly. Wah! Then I dunno how many slaps should I get. What if I din say something wrong? What if I din fell down from steps? What if I din go for injection? What if I din come to this world?(No, I will regret! I can't enjoy my favourite music le!) But it's no point to say this cuz what had happened already happened. Alrite! Just try to solve it. Give myself sometimes, bit by bit, solves all these. Everythings would be fine. Soon. I believe... :(
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sigh...
I know start a post with this kind of title is kind of sad la, but recently really feel so down... I duno why, but i just dun feel like come back to M'sia home. Probably a lot of things happens here.. Sigh..
Firstly, my cousin matters which makes everyone in super sian look! then my ah mah keep walking here and there and sigh~ Seriously dunno what she wants man! I already told her so many times that dun bother my cousin matters, he is almost 40 years old, u sigh here and there, nothing help to his bloody huge debt la! But she never listen at all. And becuz of her SIGH~ SIGH~ SIGH~, everyone dun feel like go home man! My mum keep going out, just dun wan to see her sighing~ My father finally exploded that day and tell her the same thing i told her! Hahaha.. He also buetahan liao! hahaha.. Then even my sis, the super fillial and homesick ppl also dun feel like go home le! Me? I'm worse, cuz I have to face a lot of pressure! Go home listen to my ah mah blabber how pathetic my cousin is, then listen to my mum how Kanasai my father is, then listen to my father unreasonable scolding.. Sigh~ Can someone save me pls!!!!! Why they are so unfair! Why they never treat my sis that way!!!!! SIGH~ That friday I reached Kluang, My mum and my cousin went to somewhere praying, so I went to my dad's office, not knowing whether he wants to fetch me home. My uncle said he rode motorcycle so can't fetch me! I suddenly felt so lost man~
I dunno what's my value in this family, why everytime I come back, I m just like a ball, nobody wan to fetch me back? I called my mum she said she is not free, wan to cook, ask my dad fetch me, then I sms my dad, what he replied? "Maybe late jogging" Go jogging also dun wan to fetch me. I remember once i told my mum, when one of u free just come and fetch me la, I walk around first. i seriously cried on the bus! I really dunno why I m still sitting on the bus heading to my hometown, I really felt like get down the bus and go back to Singapore immediately! In the end of cuz my mum came to fetch me, but as what I expected, the whole journey full of complaints of my father. I'm sicked of hearing all these!!
I'm tired to take bus all the way home, just like last two days, after I came back, what I heard are all complaints and complaints~ Sometimes I really do think that why I can't have a normal family! As in all in strong family bonding? Did I do anything wrong? What I SUPPOSED to know nobody inform me. What I DUN have to know, u complaint to me all the time? What U wan me to do? I'm tired! U all have no idea what I had experienced during my sec sch time! I even think of what if I die, what would u all do? Would u two get together again or divorce? U know how hard I gone through those days and do u know that how I hate to remember those days?! It's was nightmare! totally nightmare!!!!
I really dunno what can i do? I dunno, just feel like dun wan to come back, but sure kena my sis scold. Sigh~ I dunno what else I can do. When I tell my dad I need a BRAIN scan, he told me to go General hospital find doctor, WHAT FOR go for specialist? YES! If I got my own money, even my funeral I will pay for myself! if my own daughter need something like this, no matter how poor I m, I will work till I die and send her to the Best Specialist! But what u do to me? I know I'm uselesss! Always get into this kind of troubles, but it's not like I want! I felt guilty to use the money too! I dun wan to come back, I get stab everytime I come back. I dunno how many times I get hurt but I really dun feel like coming back to a so called Home to me!
Sigh~ I'm feeling so down man~ Sigh~ Ok la! It's time to stop now! After I throw out so many things here I felt better now! Ok, now I'm brand new hee-haw! hahahahaa.. So, concentrate on your FYP pls Hee-haw! But before that celebrate and enjoy a lot with honey dew, monkey, meowie and Princess Slutini which we miss a lot! It's ok to enjoy for that! hahahaha! (excuse excuse~)
Firstly, my cousin matters which makes everyone in super sian look! then my ah mah keep walking here and there and sigh~ Seriously dunno what she wants man! I already told her so many times that dun bother my cousin matters, he is almost 40 years old, u sigh here and there, nothing help to his bloody huge debt la! But she never listen at all. And becuz of her SIGH~ SIGH~ SIGH~, everyone dun feel like go home man! My mum keep going out, just dun wan to see her sighing~ My father finally exploded that day and tell her the same thing i told her! Hahaha.. He also buetahan liao! hahaha.. Then even my sis, the super fillial and homesick ppl also dun feel like go home le! Me? I'm worse, cuz I have to face a lot of pressure! Go home listen to my ah mah blabber how pathetic my cousin is, then listen to my mum how Kanasai my father is, then listen to my father unreasonable scolding.. Sigh~ Can someone save me pls!!!!! Why they are so unfair! Why they never treat my sis that way!!!!! SIGH~ That friday I reached Kluang, My mum and my cousin went to somewhere praying, so I went to my dad's office, not knowing whether he wants to fetch me home. My uncle said he rode motorcycle so can't fetch me! I suddenly felt so lost man~
I dunno what's my value in this family, why everytime I come back, I m just like a ball, nobody wan to fetch me back? I called my mum she said she is not free, wan to cook, ask my dad fetch me, then I sms my dad, what he replied? "Maybe late jogging" Go jogging also dun wan to fetch me. I remember once i told my mum, when one of u free just come and fetch me la, I walk around first. i seriously cried on the bus! I really dunno why I m still sitting on the bus heading to my hometown, I really felt like get down the bus and go back to Singapore immediately! In the end of cuz my mum came to fetch me, but as what I expected, the whole journey full of complaints of my father. I'm sicked of hearing all these!!
I'm tired to take bus all the way home, just like last two days, after I came back, what I heard are all complaints and complaints~ Sometimes I really do think that why I can't have a normal family! As in all in strong family bonding? Did I do anything wrong? What I SUPPOSED to know nobody inform me. What I DUN have to know, u complaint to me all the time? What U wan me to do? I'm tired! U all have no idea what I had experienced during my sec sch time! I even think of what if I die, what would u all do? Would u two get together again or divorce? U know how hard I gone through those days and do u know that how I hate to remember those days?! It's was nightmare! totally nightmare!!!!
I really dunno what can i do? I dunno, just feel like dun wan to come back, but sure kena my sis scold. Sigh~ I dunno what else I can do. When I tell my dad I need a BRAIN scan, he told me to go General hospital find doctor, WHAT FOR go for specialist? YES! If I got my own money, even my funeral I will pay for myself! if my own daughter need something like this, no matter how poor I m, I will work till I die and send her to the Best Specialist! But what u do to me? I know I'm uselesss! Always get into this kind of troubles, but it's not like I want! I felt guilty to use the money too! I dun wan to come back, I get stab everytime I come back. I dunno how many times I get hurt but I really dun feel like coming back to a so called Home to me!
Sigh~ I'm feeling so down man~ Sigh~ Ok la! It's time to stop now! After I throw out so many things here I felt better now! Ok, now I'm brand new hee-haw! hahahahaa.. So, concentrate on your FYP pls Hee-haw! But before that celebrate and enjoy a lot with honey dew, monkey, meowie and Princess Slutini which we miss a lot! It's ok to enjoy for that! hahahaha! (excuse excuse~)
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