I m so in the mood to write blog. But I realise this August is kind of sad for me. All my posts were totally negative. I can't find more than 10 "haha" in my posts. But I'm sorry to disappoint u guys that this might be another negative post.
Yesterday while I was writing the previous post, I was calm, or should I say I m more angry than sad. So I was not crying. But when I saw what Le xin commented, saying her tears dropped when she read my blog. That moment, I really wanted to cry. Cuz I know there always my best frens support around me. Although I like to keep my problem, although I dun like to show my sad face, but I know, no matter how, U guys still by my side supporting me. I felt happy. To have true frens around me.
Just now I was reading what I wrote yesterday. Reminds me to take a look at the father I love the most in the past. Our family dun take a lot of photos, as in Family Photo. I am always so desperate to have one. And there's one, with my grandma, my caring dad, lovely mum, beloved brother and sister and myself. If I'm not wrong, this was taken after my brother's farewell dinner. He was going to study in Australia. Our very first study oversea brother among three families. (Oliver family, Lee family & Tay family) I looked at the photo, as if I have found my own father, the previous one. His look, his sight, his appearance, were so familiar to me that i miss them so much. And then I looked at my brother. I seriously din realise that I miss my brother that much. Once again, I cried. This time I was weeping. then only I realised I was that sad, I was that desperate for a happy family that i used to have.
I was listening to my three favourite korean sad songs. I always do this when I'm sad. I like to listen to them, and cry outloud, cuz i believe after that, I will feel better. I dun get bored of three of them. I can listen to them for thousand times, just keep repeating. I m probably mad or what. then I sat on the floor against the wall, closed my eyes, start to recall my memories of my once happy family. I recalled back how my house looked like before the renovation. I recalled our laughter in the house. I recalled back how my father drag me to my room and force me to sleep. I recalled back how my brother try to trick me to eat carrot. I recalled back the very unfamiliar scene that my mum was telling some jokes to my dad and we all laugh. I recalled back I was on my parents bed, listen to my dad's fart and how I laughed like mad and he faster ran to the toilet. It's supposed to be a funny memory but why m i sitting on this cold floor crying so sad that i can feel my heartache. I really dun feel like open my eyes. I wish I can just turn back the time, all these it's just a nightmare to me. But when I open my eyes, it's the same cold house. I m stil sitting alone, listening to my favourite korean sad songs. Nothing had changed.
Then i decided to flip back my past diaries. I want to see what did I write. Although not much posts, but all are about the sad memories i had. Oh yes, now only i remember. i only write diary when i m sad. Cuz i have no one to talk to. i can only write. and i know at that time, I do hope my parents would knwo how I feel. To my horror, almost every post, I was hoping to die at the moment. i dunno I was that miserable at that time. But not really wan to die, cuz i still have may things not done yet. I end every post with saying goodbye with my parents, asking them to take care. Yes, the memories are back. the darkest period of my life. Or I should say just dark period cuz probably now is darkest just that the difference is that now I have someone to talk to, that time i really dun have anyone.
After flipping thru all the entries, I realised how i envy my sis so much. How my mum din change from that time till now. Still love my sis. I get scold quite often. Even when i was sad for my result, even when my mum forgot to fetch me, even when my body cause them so many trouble and so on. I realised i complaint mostly about my mum. Recording what she said to me about my dad and her words that stung me till now. I mostly wrote that my father doesn't care at all. So, i wrote very little about him. Only one lousy english entry, trying to persuade him to change his attitude, complaining how he treated the maid better than treated us. All the memories flow in. I remember every single scene I wrote. i remember my mum face when she said those hurting words. I remember how others like my sis than me. And to my surprise, over almost 6 years, things doesn't change much and seems like getting worse. My mum still love my sis more. my brother i think needless to say ok! My father, even worse. 2003 my mum told me there's a woman keep calling his hp. Wah! 6 years. I din know he is so good at keeping secret. Of cuz my mum got no evident. She just think there's someone out there. over so many years, he is worse. so all these years I suffered so much just because of that bloody bitchy slut out there?
Now only I know, my father already left me for so many years. even before I graduated from primary school. How can he just left like that? I dun even have time to say goodbye to him. I dun even have time to tell him, I love him a lot. How can he just left like that? I have been an idiots for so many years, still hoping he will come back. But WHY he dun tell me he is going to leave and another stranger going to replace him? suddenly, i m scared. I had live with a stranger who I tot is my father for so so long time. Trying to put up with him, trying to drag him back. Like what I wrote in my diary, I need to beg to the god that hoping there's no fight between my parents. Even till now, I'm still begging. I felt tat I m very pathetic. Since I were a kid, nobody likes me. till now, still the same. Oh probably slightly better now. Cuz i have u guys by my side. Now only i know why I m so lucky to meet u guys. Probably my wai po saw me so she leads me to u guys. that's the way i m trying to convince myself. Although i dun really think my wai po will remember me. But I feel better to think this way.
I need a break. I started to hate the house i called home. I dun have my own room. Everytime I come back, my only job is to keep the house clean. What did the house give me in return? Hurt, bad memories, sad. Yes, I think the wall in my house is the only one tat really understand me in this house. They saw me crying alone, weeping alone, get scold from my parents and so much more. But I m really scared now. I got NO HOME. Not any single place that I can feel safe and peaceful. I m homeless. I m scared to step into this house again. I dun wan to face my parents. I dun wan to face the stranger, I dun wan to hear my mum complaints. I HAVE ENOUGH OF THAT!! WOULD U GUYS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? I dun understand why my mum wants me back. But now I know, so that she can complain to me. So that i can keep the house. So thatshe can fight my dad with me but not alone although we both knows all these stupid actions are nothing to him. The house had changed. Probably prettier than last time, but what's the point while the people inside dun feel happy anymore? Sometimes I rather my dad din earn much money. Although i dunno how much he earned only till my cousin's incident then only i realise he WAS tat rich. Yea, only rich business man will attract sluts.
This is no longer my home. I hate this kind of feel. I got no place to go. I wan to fly off to Australia to look for my brother but I wonder he would like to see me. And WHERE TO FIND THE MONEY?! Singapore? NO! It's not ALONE!! I wan to go somewhere ALONE. that i dun need to see all these things. I wan to go somewhere I will feel peaceful, feel relax. But where? I have no idea. My eyes are aching. Probably too much water flow out just now. Sigh.... So these are my teenage memories? So this is the conclusion I get? Probably i was bad enough in my last life that I DESERVE all these now. Why is this tunnel so long? I walk for almost 10 years, but still haven't found the exit to get out. I wonder when can I find my exit... another 10 years? or never......
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I'm officially fatherless
Yes, after my last post, i think this is no longershocking to u guys la. Well, like I said, I m officially fatherless from now.
26 August 2009, 10 days after my 21st birthday, my dad gave me the best present ever - I found that he really having an affair with a bloody sickening irritating woman. I dunno who is she, but i hate her right bottom from my heart for destructing my fragile enough family.
How i found that my father having an affair with someone? Well, I just know it. U might be thinking i m just wasting my time rubbishing here, think too much, but so sorry, I got all the evidences!! How i wish he can read this post with his bloody irritating slut.
When i confirmed the fact that he really betrayed my mum and us, of cuz I cried. Although i more or less can guess that he has a mistress outside, but I think I still secretly hope that it's just me being too sensitive. It's just me that I think too much. And I think that's y I cried. But to my surprise, I dun really feel sad about it. I cried for a while, feeling miserable that moment. But after that, all back to normal. So normal that made me scared. I tried to figure out why I dun feel sad after that. Then I came to a conclusion that, because the guy in my house who i called dad is no longer my former beloved caring FATHER. He is no longer that father who used to dote me a lot, care for the family, care for his children, the wise man I used to respect a lot. The current stranger in my house, I dunno him at all. He is totally a different person from my father. I dunno where my beloved father had gone. I think he already vanished from this world forever. And because that stranger already drilled a big hole in my heart and now it's not a big deal.
I think a lot after i found out that my so call "father" betrayed my family. I m so angry and was super sad. I felt betrayed. U know what? When my parents started not to talk to each other, I still secretly hope that one day my "father" will change back to the previous one and treat my mum well. So everytime, when my "father" in good mood, do something that we think that as improvement, I can see how happy my mum actually was. And of cuz, I was happy to see that. Cuz my family not going to end miserably. And now i think back, I felt like a retard. I felt cheated. We tolerated for his weird temper all the time, I worked so hard to be the ideal daughter in his mind, my mum worked so hard to maintain his career, and see what we get. Betrayer! Liar! I was seriously too mad that I felt like burn down his room. Yes! "father" U better read this post now ok!! Before he went to China, I avoided him by hiding in Singapore. Cuz I was sad. As u can see from my previous post. But since that day till now, I din speak a word to my "father". Before this, I think it's me being too petty. But now, I think i m right. Cuz now when i look at him, I think he is such a dirty irritating man. Everytime he grabs his car key, I will tell myself, 'yes, time to meet the slut!' Like what i told le xin, if ever let me see who is she, I m going to slap her on her face till she's swollen!!! I dun care if my "dad" wan to kill me afterward, I wan to slap her face with my own hand!
I want to ask my "dad", so are u happy now, with ur new girlfren? thanks so much for all the miserable life u gave me ok! Thanks so much to set me and my mum both into depression during my sec school period. Thanks for always trying to start a fight with my mum and set me as the victim afterward. Thank god! I m really thankful to U for letting me know he has a mistress outside. I m miserable enough. I dunno who can i talk to. Definitely not my mum, I'm not that dumb! My brother? hopeless, I dun think he can do anything. My sister? Even worse, she will end up doing something that can cause my life even more miserable as u guys know she is the best daughter in the world. I got no one to talk to, but u guys, my closest frens! Nobody else bother to read my blog even i dun set a password. Pls forgive me I can't tell u guys one by one. cuz that day when I talk to Le xin, I almost going to cry on the phone. I dun think i can handle.
I do love my parents. I love my dad. the previous one. Not I wan to be mean, but as u guys can see, how my 'father" stab me to kill my heart personally. I m not gonna forgive a betrayer like him. He is the one who killed me and the family. Now he is such an eyesore to me! He is so dirty. Everytime i saw him i keep recall those words he sent to his girlfriend. Seriously, he is way too overboard. Now i dun care about him anymore. But too indifferent to him, might get scold from my sis for being so rude to him. But i dun care and dun mind. Myself know the truth should be enough. I dun wan any other from my family get hurt like me. Of cuz, i will still try harder to be filial to him. But dun get that wrong, I m just trying to pay off all my debts. The debt that he used to love me as a daughter, the debt that provided me a good environment and so on. From now on, I dun wan to use the dirty money he earned. Anything from him is a NO! I will work harder to earn my own sch fees.
Well, what is this house to him? Just a house for him to stay. What is my mum to him? A cook to him so that he dun need to eat outside everyday. What is me to him? A maid to clean his room and change the bedsheet, pay his phone bill and etc. What is my sister to him? His daughter. Only daughter that going to take over his business, so that he can go without worrying, probably go somewhere with that slutty bitch. I dunno. And my brother? Of cuz still his son. He is always concern about him the most. I can see that thru his every little actions. I'm good at observing people.
I dun bear to see my mum now. I can't bear to see she is happy for any of my "father"'s improvement. I can't bear to see she works so hard for the man who betrayed her.
What did i do wrong? Is it that I DUN deserve a happy family? Yes, ppl might be envy that, I got a comfort house to stay, two siblings who cares for me, money to buy anything i wan. But I M NOT HAPPY! So what's the point? He was torturing me all these years. I HATE him! Seriously! Before I know all this, I tot my mum might did something to provoke him without her knowing. It's just his weird temper. After all, he is still my dad. But now NO! I feel like let myself keep bleeding, I wan to bleed out all the blood from my body. I dun wan to have HIS genes in my body. I even think of plastic surgery like what Michael Jackson did just to look different from his father. I m miserable enough. And now, I m dead. my heart is dead. Only when today my mum passed my brother's call to me, knowing that someone still concern me the most out there in this family (of cuz my sister concern about me too), then i know, i'm not fully dead. cuz I still have them, and my mum. But that man already made me a dying zombie. 70% died. Thanks to him. HE had lost all my respect to him, although he dun even care.
I deserve a lightning strike for talking all these here. But this is supposed to be a place for me to throw out anything I wan. I m hoping him to read this with that slut! I wan him to know how he KILLED his daughter with his hand and I will never forgive him! Even the lightning going to strike on me now, I still hate him no matter what! I rather die than sitting here to be recognize as his daughter.
U might think I m just over-react. But could u tolerate ur father to have an affair outside? Who knows one day will they be anyone coming to my house saying that they are my "father"'s children? My behaviour might be too much, but I'm sorry! I can't tolerate betrayer. Especially when i look at my mum, I felt so sorry to her.
Goodbye to my beloved dad, the previous one. I will love u always right in my heart although i know u will never never come back to me. I miss u, dad! And the stranger in my house! if u ever hurt my mum again, U watch and see what I will do to u and ur slutty bitchy girlfren! Of cuz i won't do something too extreme but I wan u to feel guilty till ur next life for hurting MY FAMILY!
26 August 2009, 10 days after my 21st birthday, my dad gave me the best present ever - I found that he really having an affair with a bloody sickening irritating woman. I dunno who is she, but i hate her right bottom from my heart for destructing my fragile enough family.
How i found that my father having an affair with someone? Well, I just know it. U might be thinking i m just wasting my time rubbishing here, think too much, but so sorry, I got all the evidences!! How i wish he can read this post with his bloody irritating slut.
When i confirmed the fact that he really betrayed my mum and us, of cuz I cried. Although i more or less can guess that he has a mistress outside, but I think I still secretly hope that it's just me being too sensitive. It's just me that I think too much. And I think that's y I cried. But to my surprise, I dun really feel sad about it. I cried for a while, feeling miserable that moment. But after that, all back to normal. So normal that made me scared. I tried to figure out why I dun feel sad after that. Then I came to a conclusion that, because the guy in my house who i called dad is no longer my former beloved caring FATHER. He is no longer that father who used to dote me a lot, care for the family, care for his children, the wise man I used to respect a lot. The current stranger in my house, I dunno him at all. He is totally a different person from my father. I dunno where my beloved father had gone. I think he already vanished from this world forever. And because that stranger already drilled a big hole in my heart and now it's not a big deal.
I think a lot after i found out that my so call "father" betrayed my family. I m so angry and was super sad. I felt betrayed. U know what? When my parents started not to talk to each other, I still secretly hope that one day my "father" will change back to the previous one and treat my mum well. So everytime, when my "father" in good mood, do something that we think that as improvement, I can see how happy my mum actually was. And of cuz, I was happy to see that. Cuz my family not going to end miserably. And now i think back, I felt like a retard. I felt cheated. We tolerated for his weird temper all the time, I worked so hard to be the ideal daughter in his mind, my mum worked so hard to maintain his career, and see what we get. Betrayer! Liar! I was seriously too mad that I felt like burn down his room. Yes! "father" U better read this post now ok!! Before he went to China, I avoided him by hiding in Singapore. Cuz I was sad. As u can see from my previous post. But since that day till now, I din speak a word to my "father". Before this, I think it's me being too petty. But now, I think i m right. Cuz now when i look at him, I think he is such a dirty irritating man. Everytime he grabs his car key, I will tell myself, 'yes, time to meet the slut!' Like what i told le xin, if ever let me see who is she, I m going to slap her on her face till she's swollen!!! I dun care if my "dad" wan to kill me afterward, I wan to slap her face with my own hand!
I want to ask my "dad", so are u happy now, with ur new girlfren? thanks so much for all the miserable life u gave me ok! Thanks so much to set me and my mum both into depression during my sec school period. Thanks for always trying to start a fight with my mum and set me as the victim afterward. Thank god! I m really thankful to U for letting me know he has a mistress outside. I m miserable enough. I dunno who can i talk to. Definitely not my mum, I'm not that dumb! My brother? hopeless, I dun think he can do anything. My sister? Even worse, she will end up doing something that can cause my life even more miserable as u guys know she is the best daughter in the world. I got no one to talk to, but u guys, my closest frens! Nobody else bother to read my blog even i dun set a password. Pls forgive me I can't tell u guys one by one. cuz that day when I talk to Le xin, I almost going to cry on the phone. I dun think i can handle.
I do love my parents. I love my dad. the previous one. Not I wan to be mean, but as u guys can see, how my 'father" stab me to kill my heart personally. I m not gonna forgive a betrayer like him. He is the one who killed me and the family. Now he is such an eyesore to me! He is so dirty. Everytime i saw him i keep recall those words he sent to his girlfriend. Seriously, he is way too overboard. Now i dun care about him anymore. But too indifferent to him, might get scold from my sis for being so rude to him. But i dun care and dun mind. Myself know the truth should be enough. I dun wan any other from my family get hurt like me. Of cuz, i will still try harder to be filial to him. But dun get that wrong, I m just trying to pay off all my debts. The debt that he used to love me as a daughter, the debt that provided me a good environment and so on. From now on, I dun wan to use the dirty money he earned. Anything from him is a NO! I will work harder to earn my own sch fees.
Well, what is this house to him? Just a house for him to stay. What is my mum to him? A cook to him so that he dun need to eat outside everyday. What is me to him? A maid to clean his room and change the bedsheet, pay his phone bill and etc. What is my sister to him? His daughter. Only daughter that going to take over his business, so that he can go without worrying, probably go somewhere with that slutty bitch. I dunno. And my brother? Of cuz still his son. He is always concern about him the most. I can see that thru his every little actions. I'm good at observing people.
I dun bear to see my mum now. I can't bear to see she is happy for any of my "father"'s improvement. I can't bear to see she works so hard for the man who betrayed her.
What did i do wrong? Is it that I DUN deserve a happy family? Yes, ppl might be envy that, I got a comfort house to stay, two siblings who cares for me, money to buy anything i wan. But I M NOT HAPPY! So what's the point? He was torturing me all these years. I HATE him! Seriously! Before I know all this, I tot my mum might did something to provoke him without her knowing. It's just his weird temper. After all, he is still my dad. But now NO! I feel like let myself keep bleeding, I wan to bleed out all the blood from my body. I dun wan to have HIS genes in my body. I even think of plastic surgery like what Michael Jackson did just to look different from his father. I m miserable enough. And now, I m dead. my heart is dead. Only when today my mum passed my brother's call to me, knowing that someone still concern me the most out there in this family (of cuz my sister concern about me too), then i know, i'm not fully dead. cuz I still have them, and my mum. But that man already made me a dying zombie. 70% died. Thanks to him. HE had lost all my respect to him, although he dun even care.
I deserve a lightning strike for talking all these here. But this is supposed to be a place for me to throw out anything I wan. I m hoping him to read this with that slut! I wan him to know how he KILLED his daughter with his hand and I will never forgive him! Even the lightning going to strike on me now, I still hate him no matter what! I rather die than sitting here to be recognize as his daughter.
U might think I m just over-react. But could u tolerate ur father to have an affair outside? Who knows one day will they be anyone coming to my house saying that they are my "father"'s children? My behaviour might be too much, but I'm sorry! I can't tolerate betrayer. Especially when i look at my mum, I felt so sorry to her.
Goodbye to my beloved dad, the previous one. I will love u always right in my heart although i know u will never never come back to me. I miss u, dad! And the stranger in my house! if u ever hurt my mum again, U watch and see what I will do to u and ur slutty bitchy girlfren! Of cuz i won't do something too extreme but I wan u to feel guilty till ur next life for hurting MY FAMILY!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Happy 21st... to myself
Yes, I'm officially 21 now. Well, like i said, I wasn't looking forward to this meaningful birthday. I felt bad.
Well, my father went to China as planned. So my birthday he was definitely out. But how sarcastic, theday before my birthday, i went to buy a handphone for my dad's present with my sis. We wanted to buy him one for so long, but u guys know my sis rite, totally if u dun push her she dun move one! Ask her to ask for the price and look for information, she took forever to do it. So, I straight away drag her there and buy it! Of cuz three of us share la. But I m just wondering. I dunno if he won't scold us or whatever. I wonder he would like it, but now it doesn't matter to me any more.
the day before my birthday, my mum asked a few of her frens, my godmother, three little cuties (including my new little brother Li Ge and his two sister Li Jie & Li Huan) and their lovely mother to our house. My mum cooked the dinner, and of cuz needless to say, I was the maid to do the housechores. Seriously, i can't imagine if i go Australia for years, how this house would turn like man! Just two weeks time, the house already a total MESS!! My sister seriously very good at this ok!! And my mum dun even wan to speak a word! I seriously wonder m i born to be their maid!!!!!!!! But I know, I m just a maid at home. My sister is the princess. I HATE sharing room with her! I HATE sharing room with others. I dun wan to sleep with my mum too. But only her princess can have one whole room, If i go over now, she will be sensative again, say i m like my father again. But all my things still in my room with my sis. The day i came back, I went into my room, I almost faint on the spot! How i wish i can just die now man!! It's a total MESS!!! How come that princess can stay in the rubbish one!!?? When I opened my cupboard, wanting to keep those clothes on the bed, I really wish I can just BURN all her clothes off!! Why everytime i need to fold and fold. It's like I'm keeping things in front, she is throwing things behind! I was SO ANGRY that I throw things, I cried. Seriously I wan to get out of this house one day!!!!!!! I dun wan to stay with her anymore!! In Singapore I need to keep the room for her, come back I still have to! I m BORN TO BE MAID!
Yes, saturday, while mum busy preparing the food, I swept the floor, mopped the floor, tidy up things and wiped all tables in my house plus my mum's things. Tired till i wan to faint. But guess what the princess was doing? Watching drama using the com and do her cross stitch. BUSY rite? that's y i need to do all these myself! And it was my birthday if i m not wrong. thanks.
But I had a good time due to my cute new little brother. HAHA! He brought me one box of London Strawberry Roll for my present! hahahaha!! So cute!! I bought some toys for three of them in toy museum, give them as a little gift. they were super happy! :) then he sang me the birthday song beside my ear, with all of them la, after that, he blew off my candles! hahahaha!! I dun get any chance to blow! hahaha!! So funny, then he said innocently, u all said ok one mah! HAHAHAH!! So cute!! Then he sang the chinese version to me again, and this time we blew together! HAHA! Really thanks to him, if not I dun think my birthday will be happy.
Right after the celebration, we rushed to my best buddy in klg - Justin's house. He has the same birthday as mine and he was having a big party there! but then my mum suddenly said she not going with us, cuz her frens asked her to go out. Great right?! Well, that's my parents. Then I went there with my sis, I felt like an orphan. I got no parents. Justin's parents was by his side, and my parents? One went to China, one went out to meet fren. Yes! No big deal. But m I that irritating that even just ten minutes u can't go with me. When Justin asked me where's my mum, I just tell him, with frens. When I was chatting with Uncle Lee, one of my dad's best fren, He said : "Ur father told me he is going to china next week. I also dunno which week he mention. then he said is 11 august that week, then i was wondering, Sunday not Khai Xin's birthday meh?" Even the Uncle Lee remember, why can't my dad remember too! Purposely choose this day to embarrass me. Nicholas even teased me whether my dad going to take china PR! YES! Faster go take and dun come back again!
Actual day, nothing different from other sunday. Lying here and there. reading New Moon. night time my mum said her frens asked her to go out have dinner so i tag along. I tot is just a dinner. Sorry ar, it's just a bunch of aunties, sitting in the Karaoke, singing and playing there. My 21st birthday, need to take pictures for aunties, listening to awful singing. Actually my mum brought me there to be driver and jsut have dinner there. She is the one who go there and PLAY! Then, I'm so thankful to my xiao di and Fui Ting. they save me out of this terrible place. So I drove out to celebrate with them. Actually just five of us la. chatting and eat cakes. But that's more than enough for me. thanks xiao di for specially come back this week. But guess what, before that my mum said she will ask ppl fetch her back, yes, the ppl is ME! It was my birthday, can't i just enjoy my time with my frens for just few hours. So, I drive back to fetch her and her fren back. Then drive out again. How I hope i got into accident and die on the day of my birthday! they hurt me a lot. I m not the one who think i m a maid myself. It's their behaviour that tells me u r just a maid and driver. But I was happy at least for that few hours with my frens. If not, i might sink into depression at home, crying alone again.
I wanna get out of this hell. seriously. I hate this kind of feeling! I dun wan to stay with my sis! I wan to stay alone! Everytime i tell her to tidy up her things in the end i get scold. Yes! How can a maid scold the princess.. Sigh.. This birthday was memorable enough, but in a very wrong way.
thanks to all of u for sending me birthday wishes. I knew i still got frens to support me. :) It's really sweet of u guys! And I love all my family members in Singapore. U guys are always my support ok! Without u guys I might not be able to write blog here. thanks!
21st birthday, I wish I get a nice job soon. I wish TVXQ will not disband and all of us can marry TVXQ la!! haha!! then I wish everyone around me, happy and healthy always~ Happy birthday to myself. ;)
Well, my father went to China as planned. So my birthday he was definitely out. But how sarcastic, theday before my birthday, i went to buy a handphone for my dad's present with my sis. We wanted to buy him one for so long, but u guys know my sis rite, totally if u dun push her she dun move one! Ask her to ask for the price and look for information, she took forever to do it. So, I straight away drag her there and buy it! Of cuz three of us share la. But I m just wondering. I dunno if he won't scold us or whatever. I wonder he would like it, but now it doesn't matter to me any more.
the day before my birthday, my mum asked a few of her frens, my godmother, three little cuties (including my new little brother Li Ge and his two sister Li Jie & Li Huan) and their lovely mother to our house. My mum cooked the dinner, and of cuz needless to say, I was the maid to do the housechores. Seriously, i can't imagine if i go Australia for years, how this house would turn like man! Just two weeks time, the house already a total MESS!! My sister seriously very good at this ok!! And my mum dun even wan to speak a word! I seriously wonder m i born to be their maid!!!!!!!! But I know, I m just a maid at home. My sister is the princess. I HATE sharing room with her! I HATE sharing room with others. I dun wan to sleep with my mum too. But only her princess can have one whole room, If i go over now, she will be sensative again, say i m like my father again. But all my things still in my room with my sis. The day i came back, I went into my room, I almost faint on the spot! How i wish i can just die now man!! It's a total MESS!!! How come that princess can stay in the rubbish one!!?? When I opened my cupboard, wanting to keep those clothes on the bed, I really wish I can just BURN all her clothes off!! Why everytime i need to fold and fold. It's like I'm keeping things in front, she is throwing things behind! I was SO ANGRY that I throw things, I cried. Seriously I wan to get out of this house one day!!!!!!! I dun wan to stay with her anymore!! In Singapore I need to keep the room for her, come back I still have to! I m BORN TO BE MAID!
Yes, saturday, while mum busy preparing the food, I swept the floor, mopped the floor, tidy up things and wiped all tables in my house plus my mum's things. Tired till i wan to faint. But guess what the princess was doing? Watching drama using the com and do her cross stitch. BUSY rite? that's y i need to do all these myself! And it was my birthday if i m not wrong. thanks.
But I had a good time due to my cute new little brother. HAHA! He brought me one box of London Strawberry Roll for my present! hahahaha!! So cute!! I bought some toys for three of them in toy museum, give them as a little gift. they were super happy! :) then he sang me the birthday song beside my ear, with all of them la, after that, he blew off my candles! hahahaha!! I dun get any chance to blow! hahaha!! So funny, then he said innocently, u all said ok one mah! HAHAHAH!! So cute!! Then he sang the chinese version to me again, and this time we blew together! HAHA! Really thanks to him, if not I dun think my birthday will be happy.
Right after the celebration, we rushed to my best buddy in klg - Justin's house. He has the same birthday as mine and he was having a big party there! but then my mum suddenly said she not going with us, cuz her frens asked her to go out. Great right?! Well, that's my parents. Then I went there with my sis, I felt like an orphan. I got no parents. Justin's parents was by his side, and my parents? One went to China, one went out to meet fren. Yes! No big deal. But m I that irritating that even just ten minutes u can't go with me. When Justin asked me where's my mum, I just tell him, with frens. When I was chatting with Uncle Lee, one of my dad's best fren, He said : "Ur father told me he is going to china next week. I also dunno which week he mention. then he said is 11 august that week, then i was wondering, Sunday not Khai Xin's birthday meh?" Even the Uncle Lee remember, why can't my dad remember too! Purposely choose this day to embarrass me. Nicholas even teased me whether my dad going to take china PR! YES! Faster go take and dun come back again!
Actual day, nothing different from other sunday. Lying here and there. reading New Moon. night time my mum said her frens asked her to go out have dinner so i tag along. I tot is just a dinner. Sorry ar, it's just a bunch of aunties, sitting in the Karaoke, singing and playing there. My 21st birthday, need to take pictures for aunties, listening to awful singing. Actually my mum brought me there to be driver and jsut have dinner there. She is the one who go there and PLAY! Then, I'm so thankful to my xiao di and Fui Ting. they save me out of this terrible place. So I drove out to celebrate with them. Actually just five of us la. chatting and eat cakes. But that's more than enough for me. thanks xiao di for specially come back this week. But guess what, before that my mum said she will ask ppl fetch her back, yes, the ppl is ME! It was my birthday, can't i just enjoy my time with my frens for just few hours. So, I drive back to fetch her and her fren back. Then drive out again. How I hope i got into accident and die on the day of my birthday! they hurt me a lot. I m not the one who think i m a maid myself. It's their behaviour that tells me u r just a maid and driver. But I was happy at least for that few hours with my frens. If not, i might sink into depression at home, crying alone again.
I wanna get out of this hell. seriously. I hate this kind of feeling! I dun wan to stay with my sis! I wan to stay alone! Everytime i tell her to tidy up her things in the end i get scold. Yes! How can a maid scold the princess.. Sigh.. This birthday was memorable enough, but in a very wrong way.
thanks to all of u for sending me birthday wishes. I knew i still got frens to support me. :) It's really sweet of u guys! And I love all my family members in Singapore. U guys are always my support ok! Without u guys I might not be able to write blog here. thanks!
21st birthday, I wish I get a nice job soon. I wish TVXQ will not disband and all of us can marry TVXQ la!! haha!! then I wish everyone around me, happy and healthy always~ Happy birthday to myself. ;)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
我的爸爸...去了哪里？
现在已经凌晨5点多了，可是我却一点也不想睡。原来一个人伤心到极点时，是会吃不下睡不着的。原来电视剧从来都没有欺骗过观众。我，就好像戏里的主角，夜深人静时，一个人听着歌，坐在床上，突然想起了以前的那个爸爸。
曾经，我想过投稿一篇文章到小学时的星星报。我想写关于我的偶像，于是我不停的挣扎，该写妈妈还是爸爸。因为在我心里，他们都是。妈妈进得厨房，出得厅堂。爸爸好像一个万能的人，好像没有什么东西难倒得了他。我，其实很想写关于我的爸爸，但最后我好像还是没有写，反而投稿了在学校的其中一篇作文。对，曾经，我的爸爸是我的偶像。
其实，在这种夜深人静的时候，不睡觉，反而写这些，在别人看来，可能只是一个幼稚又不成熟的行为。我本来也不想写，但是想着想着还是又打开了电脑。因为这是我活了这么久以来，第一次真正明白什么是心痛的感觉。也许这篇文章会给你们带来负担，但对不起，我真的只想抒发情绪。
刚才听着歌，看着快天亮的夜空，我回想起了以前那个疼爱我的爸爸。从我小时候，一直到现在，爸爸的变化。
爸爸，
您还记得吗？小时候，您最疼的就是我。而我也比较喜欢粘着您，因为妈妈太凶了。
还记得那张您抱着大概3岁时的我的照片，当时您是笑得多么开心。
还记得以前幼稚园时，一睡醒，就起身帮您跑到迷你市场买报纸，之后您总会把剩下的两角钱给我当跑腿费。
还记得以前上幼稚园，虽然学校离家很近，但您每次都会载我去上学。
以前的我，很爱撒娇。时常半夜跑到你们的房间，挤在爸妈中间睡觉，因为我觉得很有安全感。
还记得小时候，我很怕黑，总要开着厕所的灯，才没那么害怕，这可害惨了姐姐。所以您买了一个猫眼灯，放在房里。这样我就不会害怕。
还记得以前，到了晚上10点，你一定会拖着我去睡觉。即使在那个暂时住的家，你曾把我当拐杖，扶着我一步一步慢慢的上楼睡觉。
我还记得你总喜欢跟我开玩笑，把我骗得团团转。
晚上看电视时，我总会坐在你的sarong上吃花生，就好像在荡秋千一样。
我总会问你很多奇奇怪怪的问题，你也总会用你的幽默来回答我，让我觉得我的爸爸很有趣。
记得有一次，放学回来，我很累，不肯去冲凉，你用打苍蝇的扫把一路把我从客厅打到冲凉房去。姐姐说，我很厉害，因为他是第一次看爸爸打人。
记得礼拜天，我早起时，总会用瘙痒脚板的方式叫醒你。因为你是这么叫醒我的。
记得当我考试考得不好，只拿60几分，被妈妈骂后，你对我说：干嘛拿这么多分？不是越少分越好吗？应该拿零嘛！听完后，心情不好的我还是笑了。这是你安慰我的方式。
还记得每次开学前一天，我总会紧张得睡不着觉，你教了我一个到现在我还在用的方法。就是一直想着relax.. relax..
还记得假期时，你总会带我们一家人去玩。星期天也总是跟uncle Lee 一家人一起去吃早餐。
还记得上长城时，你拉我跟你和导游uncle一起上到更高的地方。
还记得我参加游泳比赛，每次拿奖牌回来，你故意泼我冷水的时候。“你拿第一？只有你一个人比啊？”
还记得刚上中学，很多东西不明白，您很有耐心的，一样一样教我，虽然你的马来文挺烂的。
当然也许还有好多好多是我记不得的。但是这么一个好爸爸，在我初中一左右，就慢慢地失踪了。反而站在我眼前的，是一个很陌生的爸爸。这个爸爸，不知道为了什么，突然不跟妈妈说话，突然变得讨厌妈妈，害得妈妈天天借酒消愁，天天以泪洗面。自己有多迟回家就呆多迟。您知道吗，因为你，那段时间成为了我这一辈子再也不想回忆的时间。因为我是看着妈妈为了你有多伤心，时不时就去看看妈妈，因为我怕他会自杀，我怕他会离开我，我怕他会跟你离婚。我的眼泪，流得最多就是那段时间。老实说，我很痛苦，因为我真的不想看到你们离婚。所以我告诉自己一定要尽可能不让你们吵架。每当去到同学家，看见别人的家庭那么美好，总会很难过。放学回家，别人都是父母载送，我不是坐朋友的顺风车，就是舅舅载我。就算有一天舅舅忘了载我，当我回到家时，只剩佣人。你们一点也不担心，载我回家的是同车的同学的父母。当我看到他们一家人来载他，我当下真想哭出来，但我还是忍了。因为我想，你们应该会在家等我。结果我真的是白痴，因为我回来时，家里已经空无一人，只剩佣人。
一直到现在，这个爸爸只有让我越来越失望。在我的记忆里，这一段时间，我记起的只有你骂我，投诉这个，投诉那个的那张脸。我忘了你笑起来是什么样子。我只记得强词夺理的你，不顾后果我行我素的你。就因为你，我总是成为这场战争的受害者。妈妈因为你心情不好，就出气在我身上。我回家时，你宁可去跑步也不来载我回家，让我只能在巴士上偷偷流泪。而回家的路上，又得莫名其妙地挨骂。每次跟你商量事情，你想回答才回答，不想回答就一走了之，留下一个烂摊让我收场。哥哥的毕业典礼有你，姐姐的毕业典礼，有妈妈跟奶奶，也许你要工作走不开，而我的毕业典礼，只有姐姐和妈妈。你跟奶奶说，继续借钱给那个废物，会对不起你的孩子。原来你一直都对哥哥姐姐感到愧疚，可是你却没有因为没让我上大学而感到丝毫愧疚。我真的很难过，但我告诉自己，算了，因为你现在有困难，考到了执照，我读不读大学也不重要，就好像你说的。但是为什么你连让我读大学的想法都没有。那也算了。待在家的几个月，我也尽量做到让你无可挑剔。你不喜欢的，我统统都改了。你不喜欢乱，那我就收拾。总之就是想办法让你没借口来骂妈妈。但是，我现在才发现，我真的很傻，因为不管我做什么，你都不会喜欢，你也看不见。在家里我只是个佣人。无论我多努力，你都不会看到我的存在。一样我行我素，想去哪里就去哪里，留下生气的妈妈和被出气的我。但是当我听到我生日时，你去旅行，我才真正的了解，以前疼爱我的爸爸，在我的心里，已经去了一个很遥远的地方，永永远远都不会回来了。也许你们觉得我很幼稚，但是我只是希望，21岁生日，这么有意义的一天，我们一家可以和平的，不吵架，好好吃一顿晚饭，吃个蛋糕，之后你要出去也好随便你。但是更讽刺的是，别人的爸爸要为他的儿子开派对。我的爸爸竟然去旅行。我想你根本就不记得。谢谢你，因为这一次我才透彻的醒过来了。你没有可能会变回以前那个爸爸。我知道说到底你还是我的爸爸，但是很对不起，你的一切一切让我失去了对你的尊敬。往后我还是会继续做到不让你失望，继续尽我的孝道，只是很抱歉，你已经不是那个我最敬爱的爸爸了。我只是为了不让战争继续，为了报答你对我的养育之恩。我的心，已经快死了。要是你身边真的有另一个女人，很好，那我的心就是被你亲手杀死了。
也许你们觉得没什么大不了，但是对我来说， 已经负荷不了了。所以，以前的那个爸爸，他，还会回来吗？我想不会，但我希望下辈子，那个离我而去的爸爸，能够回来。
曾经，我想过投稿一篇文章到小学时的星星报。我想写关于我的偶像，于是我不停的挣扎，该写妈妈还是爸爸。因为在我心里，他们都是。妈妈进得厨房，出得厅堂。爸爸好像一个万能的人，好像没有什么东西难倒得了他。我，其实很想写关于我的爸爸，但最后我好像还是没有写，反而投稿了在学校的其中一篇作文。对，曾经，我的爸爸是我的偶像。
其实，在这种夜深人静的时候，不睡觉，反而写这些，在别人看来，可能只是一个幼稚又不成熟的行为。我本来也不想写，但是想着想着还是又打开了电脑。因为这是我活了这么久以来，第一次真正明白什么是心痛的感觉。也许这篇文章会给你们带来负担，但对不起，我真的只想抒发情绪。
刚才听着歌，看着快天亮的夜空，我回想起了以前那个疼爱我的爸爸。从我小时候，一直到现在，爸爸的变化。
爸爸，
您还记得吗？小时候，您最疼的就是我。而我也比较喜欢粘着您，因为妈妈太凶了。
还记得那张您抱着大概3岁时的我的照片，当时您是笑得多么开心。
还记得以前幼稚园时，一睡醒，就起身帮您跑到迷你市场买报纸，之后您总会把剩下的两角钱给我当跑腿费。
还记得以前上幼稚园，虽然学校离家很近，但您每次都会载我去上学。
以前的我，很爱撒娇。时常半夜跑到你们的房间，挤在爸妈中间睡觉，因为我觉得很有安全感。
还记得小时候，我很怕黑，总要开着厕所的灯，才没那么害怕，这可害惨了姐姐。所以您买了一个猫眼灯，放在房里。这样我就不会害怕。
还记得以前，到了晚上10点，你一定会拖着我去睡觉。即使在那个暂时住的家，你曾把我当拐杖，扶着我一步一步慢慢的上楼睡觉。
我还记得你总喜欢跟我开玩笑，把我骗得团团转。
晚上看电视时，我总会坐在你的sarong上吃花生，就好像在荡秋千一样。
我总会问你很多奇奇怪怪的问题，你也总会用你的幽默来回答我，让我觉得我的爸爸很有趣。
记得有一次，放学回来，我很累，不肯去冲凉，你用打苍蝇的扫把一路把我从客厅打到冲凉房去。姐姐说，我很厉害，因为他是第一次看爸爸打人。
记得礼拜天，我早起时，总会用瘙痒脚板的方式叫醒你。因为你是这么叫醒我的。
记得当我考试考得不好，只拿60几分，被妈妈骂后，你对我说：干嘛拿这么多分？不是越少分越好吗？应该拿零嘛！听完后，心情不好的我还是笑了。这是你安慰我的方式。
还记得每次开学前一天，我总会紧张得睡不着觉，你教了我一个到现在我还在用的方法。就是一直想着relax.. relax..
还记得假期时，你总会带我们一家人去玩。星期天也总是跟uncle Lee 一家人一起去吃早餐。
还记得上长城时，你拉我跟你和导游uncle一起上到更高的地方。
还记得我参加游泳比赛，每次拿奖牌回来，你故意泼我冷水的时候。“你拿第一？只有你一个人比啊？”
还记得刚上中学，很多东西不明白，您很有耐心的，一样一样教我，虽然你的马来文挺烂的。
当然也许还有好多好多是我记不得的。但是这么一个好爸爸，在我初中一左右，就慢慢地失踪了。反而站在我眼前的，是一个很陌生的爸爸。这个爸爸，不知道为了什么，突然不跟妈妈说话，突然变得讨厌妈妈，害得妈妈天天借酒消愁，天天以泪洗面。自己有多迟回家就呆多迟。您知道吗，因为你，那段时间成为了我这一辈子再也不想回忆的时间。因为我是看着妈妈为了你有多伤心，时不时就去看看妈妈，因为我怕他会自杀，我怕他会离开我，我怕他会跟你离婚。我的眼泪，流得最多就是那段时间。老实说，我很痛苦，因为我真的不想看到你们离婚。所以我告诉自己一定要尽可能不让你们吵架。每当去到同学家，看见别人的家庭那么美好，总会很难过。放学回家，别人都是父母载送，我不是坐朋友的顺风车，就是舅舅载我。就算有一天舅舅忘了载我，当我回到家时，只剩佣人。你们一点也不担心，载我回家的是同车的同学的父母。当我看到他们一家人来载他，我当下真想哭出来，但我还是忍了。因为我想，你们应该会在家等我。结果我真的是白痴，因为我回来时，家里已经空无一人，只剩佣人。
一直到现在，这个爸爸只有让我越来越失望。在我的记忆里，这一段时间，我记起的只有你骂我，投诉这个，投诉那个的那张脸。我忘了你笑起来是什么样子。我只记得强词夺理的你，不顾后果我行我素的你。就因为你，我总是成为这场战争的受害者。妈妈因为你心情不好，就出气在我身上。我回家时，你宁可去跑步也不来载我回家，让我只能在巴士上偷偷流泪。而回家的路上，又得莫名其妙地挨骂。每次跟你商量事情，你想回答才回答，不想回答就一走了之，留下一个烂摊让我收场。哥哥的毕业典礼有你，姐姐的毕业典礼，有妈妈跟奶奶，也许你要工作走不开，而我的毕业典礼，只有姐姐和妈妈。你跟奶奶说，继续借钱给那个废物，会对不起你的孩子。原来你一直都对哥哥姐姐感到愧疚，可是你却没有因为没让我上大学而感到丝毫愧疚。我真的很难过，但我告诉自己，算了，因为你现在有困难，考到了执照，我读不读大学也不重要，就好像你说的。但是为什么你连让我读大学的想法都没有。那也算了。待在家的几个月，我也尽量做到让你无可挑剔。你不喜欢的，我统统都改了。你不喜欢乱，那我就收拾。总之就是想办法让你没借口来骂妈妈。但是，我现在才发现，我真的很傻，因为不管我做什么，你都不会喜欢，你也看不见。在家里我只是个佣人。无论我多努力，你都不会看到我的存在。一样我行我素，想去哪里就去哪里，留下生气的妈妈和被出气的我。但是当我听到我生日时，你去旅行，我才真正的了解，以前疼爱我的爸爸，在我的心里，已经去了一个很遥远的地方，永永远远都不会回来了。也许你们觉得我很幼稚，但是我只是希望，21岁生日，这么有意义的一天，我们一家可以和平的，不吵架，好好吃一顿晚饭，吃个蛋糕，之后你要出去也好随便你。但是更讽刺的是，别人的爸爸要为他的儿子开派对。我的爸爸竟然去旅行。我想你根本就不记得。谢谢你，因为这一次我才透彻的醒过来了。你没有可能会变回以前那个爸爸。我知道说到底你还是我的爸爸，但是很对不起，你的一切一切让我失去了对你的尊敬。往后我还是会继续做到不让你失望，继续尽我的孝道，只是很抱歉，你已经不是那个我最敬爱的爸爸了。我只是为了不让战争继续，为了报答你对我的养育之恩。我的心，已经快死了。要是你身边真的有另一个女人，很好，那我的心就是被你亲手杀死了。
也许你们觉得没什么大不了，但是对我来说， 已经负荷不了了。所以，以前的那个爸爸，他，还会回来吗？我想不会，但我希望下辈子，那个离我而去的爸爸，能够回来。
Monday, August 3, 2009
Heartaching...
Yes! Right now my heart is aching. I am sad right now. Really sad. Of cuz it's something to do with my family again. I wonder why i couldn't have a happy family.
Last three weeks, I was in Malaysia. As a maid at home. Well, all these years, since my parents start the war, I did a lot of things to prevent the fight. My mum is a very forgetful person. She always forget what she bought and leave it there till that things expired or rotten. And my father is a very neat person. He cannot stand of all these things. My mum and sis are kind of messy too. Their rooms and belongings, sigh, even me also mou ngan tai! And my dad is very good at picking out all these flaws!! He dun like messy dirty house. He dun like the slippers anyhow place at the doorstep. He dun like junk food at home. He dun like my mum's car, cuz it's always messy and with lot's of bird droppings. And my mum got no time to wash the car, so forgetful to throw away her tissue. There's a lot more. But all these years, since the war started, I did tons of thing just try to prevent the fight. I know what my father dun like, so all these years, I put in so many effort just try to make him satisfied. Till now, i dunno how many hei guo i help my mum and sis to bear. Even till now, I m still doing it. I just hope they can stop fighting. Everytime they talking to each other, i m nervous, that's very pathetic right. I just scared my dad would provoke my mum and again i will be the victim. Cuz my mum would start to complaint to me. That's my family.
Recently, I m more disappointed with my parents. No matter how hard i try, they just can't see me. My dad feels sorry to my brother and sis for keep on borrowing money to my cousin. But when i approached him and told him i got accepted by RMIT, he just asked me, what course is that, and only look at the cover of the brochure, and look back to his computer. He dun even have the thoughts of let me continue my study. It's just all my fat hope thought that he would wan me to continue. He said if i take his remisier license, then dun need all that. Ok, but why u din even think of at least let me finish a degree. Ok, that's fine. I can earn my own money, go and study part time course. Cuz all his money belongs to my cousin. Not mine. I dun wan to take either. And my father very bad habit, he likes to go travel without telling anyone at home. My father going to travel, i knew it from my aunt. Funny rite? and if my aunt not telling us, so i suppose my dad missing somewhere else is it? He only said he will be back on which day but dun even tell u where he go. And the most recent one, he just came back from thailand not long ago. Now he is going to China. Ok, then i ask my aunt when, she said 11 aug to 17 aug. That's GREAT MAN!! He dun even wan to stay for his daughter 21st birthday. What i wan is really not that much. Just whole family have a dinner together, then have a cake. Even after that he is going out as usual, i dun mind too. But now he dun even wan to stay. Yes, it's funny and kind of pathetic. The guy whose birthday exactly same as me, his father going to held a party for him. That's sound so sarcastic to me. I m totally give up all my hope on my dad. He is not my father i used to have. I only do whatever he likes. Din even care what will end up to me. (be my mum 出气筒)
And my mum, was very angry with my dad. First, just go travel anywhere he wants, and leave her work hard for him. Second, work so hard all money goes to my cousin pocket. And of course, what do u think i will end up? My mum din talk to me for two days. As if I persuade my dad to do so. Sometimes i wonder why she dislike me so much, is it i look like my dad? Whatever i complaint to her, especially about my sis, she pretend never hear anything. Even i complaint something else, she dun have any response too. I m so so so sad and disappointed. Well, did i do anything wrong? Why i always go back to my hometown? Cuz I wan to go home be the middle man, to prevent their fight, to prevent they divorce. But now all seems so so useless. And I highly suspect my dad kept a mistress. I peep at his msg although i know it's not good to do tat. I m TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED to the man in my house i call him DAD. If this is a truth, I will have no respect at all to him! He can't blame me for that, cuz it's him to turn me like this. He seriously dunno how many litres of tears I dropped just because of him!
I always envy those people who have a happy family. Why I couldn't have one? I m so so so stress especially these few months. Just over all these family matters.
And another thing hurt my heart, TVXQ probably gonna disband. Although I strongly believe they won't, but still, I'm scared. It's their music and videos occupied me so tat i dun need to think much about my family. It's them who brighten my days, so i can't imagine if they really disband, how sad i will be. I m sure i will cry in front of the monitor. Cuz it's like my BEST "accompany" gonna leave me. If not them occupied my times, i might already fell into depression. That's also the reason i love to collect CDs. Cuz during the most depressing period i experienced before, I depend to them, CDs. Just look at them i feel happy enough.
My heart is aching, non-stop. I can't control my tears. They keep falling down from my eyes. I dunno when are they going to stop. Probably this would be another depressing period. Birthday, I used to look forward to, but this year, I m gonna be even more sad than any other day. 21st birthday, where is my father? Does he remember that? Or he dun even know, i m 21st this year and when is my birthday? That's the more persuasive answer. And i m this guy's daughter... unfortunately.
I wonder how my father would react if he happen to see this post. It's the same thought. I wonder what if one day i die in an accident, how would he feel or react? Dun worry ppl, I m not gg to die. It's just tat something i wish to know.
Thanks dewy for always by my side comfort me! Thanks to my sisters too! I know u guys always by my side too. If weren't you guys, I might not be that strong. But i'm really sorry, i can't control my heart to ache. I might be depress recently just bear with me ok. Trust me it's not easy to be optimistic.
Last three weeks, I was in Malaysia. As a maid at home. Well, all these years, since my parents start the war, I did a lot of things to prevent the fight. My mum is a very forgetful person. She always forget what she bought and leave it there till that things expired or rotten. And my father is a very neat person. He cannot stand of all these things. My mum and sis are kind of messy too. Their rooms and belongings, sigh, even me also mou ngan tai! And my dad is very good at picking out all these flaws!! He dun like messy dirty house. He dun like the slippers anyhow place at the doorstep. He dun like junk food at home. He dun like my mum's car, cuz it's always messy and with lot's of bird droppings. And my mum got no time to wash the car, so forgetful to throw away her tissue. There's a lot more. But all these years, since the war started, I did tons of thing just try to prevent the fight. I know what my father dun like, so all these years, I put in so many effort just try to make him satisfied. Till now, i dunno how many hei guo i help my mum and sis to bear. Even till now, I m still doing it. I just hope they can stop fighting. Everytime they talking to each other, i m nervous, that's very pathetic right. I just scared my dad would provoke my mum and again i will be the victim. Cuz my mum would start to complaint to me. That's my family.
Recently, I m more disappointed with my parents. No matter how hard i try, they just can't see me. My dad feels sorry to my brother and sis for keep on borrowing money to my cousin. But when i approached him and told him i got accepted by RMIT, he just asked me, what course is that, and only look at the cover of the brochure, and look back to his computer. He dun even have the thoughts of let me continue my study. It's just all my fat hope thought that he would wan me to continue. He said if i take his remisier license, then dun need all that. Ok, but why u din even think of at least let me finish a degree. Ok, that's fine. I can earn my own money, go and study part time course. Cuz all his money belongs to my cousin. Not mine. I dun wan to take either. And my father very bad habit, he likes to go travel without telling anyone at home. My father going to travel, i knew it from my aunt. Funny rite? and if my aunt not telling us, so i suppose my dad missing somewhere else is it? He only said he will be back on which day but dun even tell u where he go. And the most recent one, he just came back from thailand not long ago. Now he is going to China. Ok, then i ask my aunt when, she said 11 aug to 17 aug. That's GREAT MAN!! He dun even wan to stay for his daughter 21st birthday. What i wan is really not that much. Just whole family have a dinner together, then have a cake. Even after that he is going out as usual, i dun mind too. But now he dun even wan to stay. Yes, it's funny and kind of pathetic. The guy whose birthday exactly same as me, his father going to held a party for him. That's sound so sarcastic to me. I m totally give up all my hope on my dad. He is not my father i used to have. I only do whatever he likes. Din even care what will end up to me. (be my mum 出气筒)
And my mum, was very angry with my dad. First, just go travel anywhere he wants, and leave her work hard for him. Second, work so hard all money goes to my cousin pocket. And of course, what do u think i will end up? My mum din talk to me for two days. As if I persuade my dad to do so. Sometimes i wonder why she dislike me so much, is it i look like my dad? Whatever i complaint to her, especially about my sis, she pretend never hear anything. Even i complaint something else, she dun have any response too. I m so so so sad and disappointed. Well, did i do anything wrong? Why i always go back to my hometown? Cuz I wan to go home be the middle man, to prevent their fight, to prevent they divorce. But now all seems so so useless. And I highly suspect my dad kept a mistress. I peep at his msg although i know it's not good to do tat. I m TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED to the man in my house i call him DAD. If this is a truth, I will have no respect at all to him! He can't blame me for that, cuz it's him to turn me like this. He seriously dunno how many litres of tears I dropped just because of him!
I always envy those people who have a happy family. Why I couldn't have one? I m so so so stress especially these few months. Just over all these family matters.
And another thing hurt my heart, TVXQ probably gonna disband. Although I strongly believe they won't, but still, I'm scared. It's their music and videos occupied me so tat i dun need to think much about my family. It's them who brighten my days, so i can't imagine if they really disband, how sad i will be. I m sure i will cry in front of the monitor. Cuz it's like my BEST "accompany" gonna leave me. If not them occupied my times, i might already fell into depression. That's also the reason i love to collect CDs. Cuz during the most depressing period i experienced before, I depend to them, CDs. Just look at them i feel happy enough.
My heart is aching, non-stop. I can't control my tears. They keep falling down from my eyes. I dunno when are they going to stop. Probably this would be another depressing period. Birthday, I used to look forward to, but this year, I m gonna be even more sad than any other day. 21st birthday, where is my father? Does he remember that? Or he dun even know, i m 21st this year and when is my birthday? That's the more persuasive answer. And i m this guy's daughter... unfortunately.
I wonder how my father would react if he happen to see this post. It's the same thought. I wonder what if one day i die in an accident, how would he feel or react? Dun worry ppl, I m not gg to die. It's just tat something i wish to know.
Thanks dewy for always by my side comfort me! Thanks to my sisters too! I know u guys always by my side too. If weren't you guys, I might not be that strong. But i'm really sorry, i can't control my heart to ache. I might be depress recently just bear with me ok. Trust me it's not easy to be optimistic.
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